IMPORTANT: This topic is about deconstructing a long sentence. However, all of the following examples contain discussions of multiple subjects—not just deconstructing a long sentence. Therefore, in addition to deconstructing a long sentence, you are going to learn a lot of different things about good writing and rewriting.
Example 1
When you see an extremely long and complicated sentence, don’t despair! Every long sentence has component parts. The key to good rewriting is to focus entirely on the component parts of the sentence. Once you learn how to do that, you will be amazed how it easy it is to write effectively for your intended audience.
Take this long-winded sentence:
Step 1: Capture the entire sentence and paste it into a worksheet
Step 2: Strip out the component parts
- Identify the component parts
- One by one, paste the component parts into a bullet list
Here is my list of component parts for the example sentence:
- Typically, the opt-in list is populated when a guest registers
- [Typically, the opt-in list is populated when a guest] chooses to enter a promotional sweepstakes or contests
- the guest submits a form on which are a number of items that include a variety of email choices
- [a variety of email choices] which are usually pre-checked by default.
See how easy it is to do that?
Step 3: Reconstruct each component part as a simple sentence
- Component part 1: Typically, the opt-in list is populated when a guest registers
This sentence is OK as-is. Don’t change anything:
Typically, the opt-in list is populated when a guest registers.
- Component part 2: [Typically, the opt-in list is populated when a guest] chooses to enter a promotional sweepstakes or contests
This sentence has the same subject (in brackets) as the first component part. You can rewrite the second component part this way:
Also, the list is populated when the guest chooses to enter a promotional sweepstakes or contests.
- Component part 3: the guest submits a form on which are a number of items that include a variety of email choices
This component part is OK. Leave it alone:
The guest submits a form on which are a number of items that include a variety of email choices.
- Component part 4: [a variety of email choices] which are usually pre-checked by default.
Say this:
Usually, these email choices are pre-checked by default.
Step 4: Reassemble the content into a sequence of simple sentences
By focusing exclusively on the component parts, the rewriting project is much easier. Here is my final version:
Typically, the opt-in list is populated when a guest registers. Also, the list is populated when the guest chooses to enter a promotional sweepstakes or contests. The guest submits a form on which are a number of items that include a variety of email choices. Usually, these email choices are pre-checked by default.
Summary of Steps
- Capture the entire sentence and paste it into a worksheet
- Strip out the component parts
- Reconstruct each component part as a simple sentence
- Reassemble the content into a sequence of simple sentences
One final note. The rewritten version has almost the same language as the original. However, by breaking the original sentence into four simple sentences, the fog index dropped from 23 years of education to just 11 years. Eleven years of education is an ideal reading level for software documentation.
Example 2
REWRITE THIS SENTENCE
PROBLEM
This sentence is poorly written for these reasons:
- It is way too long—51 words
- The 14-word parenthetical expression in the middle of the sentence should be a separate sentence
- The remaining 37-word sentence should be broken up into two or more simple sentences
- The sentence lacks adequate punctuation
- The word which should be replaced by the word that
DISCUSSION
Here is your process for deconstructing a long sentence:
- Capture the entire sentence and paste it into a worksheet
- Strip out the component parts and arrange them in a bullet list
- Reconstruct each component part as a simple sentence
- Reassemble the content into a sequence of simple sentences
Here are the component parts for the example sentence:
- This means that for subsequent calls to the same data, or the same type of data, a business unit’s query returns cached data that is faster.
- It is faster since the query does not hit the SOLR core, but returns cached results.
- When we say the same type of data, we imply the data might change. (This sentence is a Note in the rewrite.)
NOTE: We work around the Which vs. That problem simply by starting a new sentence.
REVISION
Before
This means that for subsequent calls to the same data (or is it same type of data—implying that the underlying data might change) a business unit’s query is returning cached data which is faster since the query is not hitting the SOLR core but it is returning cached results.
After
This means that for subsequent calls to the same data, or the same type of data, a business unit’s query returns cached data that is faster. It is faster since the query does not hit the SOLR core, but returns cached results.
NOTE: When we say the same type of data, we imply the data might change.
Example 3
REWRITE THIS SENTENCE
PROBLEM
The example sentence is 66 words long! It has a reading level of 31 years of education! Break it up into shorter sentences.
DISCUSSION
Here is how you deconstruct a long sentence:
- Capture the entire sentence and paste it into a worksheet
- Strip out the component parts
- Reconstruct each component part as a simple sentence
- Reassemble the content into a sequence of simple sentences
So, here we go.
The author lays out an elaborate set of circumstances before getting to the action in the sentence. Here is the setup:
- If client site A requires FAKECORP-TOU and ppV2
- [if] a user creates an account and accepts these two legally required documents
- [if] the user goes to log into client site B with that same account
- [if] client site B requires DI-COOKIEPOLICY-NL and ppV2
The example sentence takes 43 words just to lay out all the conditions! Obviously, that is a lot of information to process.
Using the previous deconstruction formula, I suggest our example sentence logically contains three major component parts. The first two components lay out all the conditions. The third component explains the action:
- [suppose] the client site A requires FAKECORP-TOU and ppV2, and a user creates an account and accepts these two legally required documents
- the user then goes to log into client site B with that same account and client site B responds by requiring DI-COOKIEPOLICY-NL and ppV2
- the system prompts the user to accept DI-COOKIEPOLICY-NL on that login to comply with the legal requirements for logging in to client site B
Also, for clarity, add a brief introductory sentence before you write the three component parts. Say something like this:
Here is an example scenario.
REVISION
Before
If client site A requires FAKECORP-TOU, and ppV2, and a user creates an account, and accepts these two legally required documents, and the user goes to log into client site B with that same account and client site B requires DI-COOKIEPOLICY-NL and ppV2, the system prompts the user to accept DI-COOKIEPOLICY-NL on that login to comply with the legal requirements for logging in to client site B.
After
Here is an example scenario. Suppose the client site A requires FAKECORP-TOU and ppV2, and a user creates an account and accepts these two legally required documents. The user then goes to log into client site B with that same account and client site B responds by requiring DI-COOKIEPOLICY-NL and ppV2. In that situation, the system prompts the user to accept DI-COOKIEPOLICY-NL on that login to comply with the legal requirements for logging in to client site B.
Or
Here is an example scenario. Suppose you have this chain of events:
-
- Client site A requires FAKECORP-TOU and ppV2
- A user creates an account and accepts these two legally required documents
- The user then goes to log into client site B with that same account
- Client site B responds by requiring DI-COOKIEPOLICY-NL and ppV2
In that situation, the system prompts the user to accept DI-COOKIEPOLICY-NL on that login to comply with the legal requirements for logging in to client site B.
COMMENT
The reading level now is 13 years of education as sentences or 11 years as a combination of sentences and a list.
Example 4
REWRITE THIS SENTENCE
PROBLEM
This meandering passive-voice sentence can be divided into three shorter sentences.
DISCUSSION
Here is how you deconstruct a long sentence:
- Capture the entire sentence and paste it into a worksheet.
- Strip out the component parts.
- Reconstruct each component part as a simple sentence.
- Reassemble the content into a sequence of simple sentences.
OK, let’s do that.
Here are your three component parts:
- The intent of the compliance section is to provide the UI with all the required information.
- For example, it indicates what fields are required on user forms.
- Also, it tells you what fields you can or cannot edit during an action.
Word Order
Don’t say this:
…what fields can be edited once during an action or not at all.
Say this:
…what fields you can or cannot edit during an action.
Anthropomorphisms
The author is attributing human qualities to (a) the compliance section and (b) the user interface (UI) by saying this:
The intent of the compliance section is to provide the UI with all the information it needs to know….
This figure of speech is called an anthropomorphism. These are the anthropomorphic characteristics:
- The compliance section has an intent to provide
- The UI has all the information it needs to know
We are talking about computer operations here, not people. Avoid anthropomorphic usage in your technical writing.
Don’t say this:
The intent of the compliance section is to provide the UI with all the information it needs to know.
Say this:
Use the compliance section to provide the UI with all the required information.
REVISION
Before
The intent of the compliance section is to provide the UI with all the information it needs to know, and what fields are required on user forms as well as what fields can be edited once during an action or not at all.
After
Use the compliance section to provide the UI with all the required information. For example, the compliance section indicates what fields are required on user forms. Also, it tells you what fields you can or cannot edit during an action.
FINAL REMARKS ON DECONSTRUCTING LONG SENTENCES
After you do this a few times, you won’t need to copy and paste to a worksheet. You will start doing this in your head. You’ll be able to identify the component parts of the sentence and you’ll be making your changes on the fly.